Children living with domestic violence

Domestic violence is abuse which takes place within an intimate relationship. So, it can occur between people who are married, living together, in a relationship, or separated, and between teenagers in their own relationships. Pregnancy can trigger the start of domestic violence. The violence can be:

• physical, sexual or emotional abuse
• withholding money
• not letting someone leave the house
• threats, like threatening to hurt a family pet.

The victims of domestic violence can be men as well as women.

Domestic violence affects not only the adults involved, but also any children living with them. The law recognises that witnessing domestic violence can cause children significant harm. Children can witness domestic violence in a number of ways. They may be in the same room and see the abuse, hear it from another room, or discover a parent’s injuries afterwards.

Children who witness domestic violence may suffer in a number of different ways: it can affect their behaviour and emotional well-being, and it can also have an impact on their education. For example, some may display aggressive or anti-social behaviour, whereas others may suffer problems like depression or anxiety. Their performance at school may be affected due to the distractions at home or the disruption of moving to and between refuges. A child’s own method of resolving conflict is likely to be affected too by seeing how their parents interact – this can last into adulthood.

As well as being affected by witnessing domestic violence, children living with domestic violence are also at greater risk of being victims themselves, particularly of physical abuse.

However, most children have the ability to recover from the effects once they are in a safer, more stable environment.

Domestic violence can be hard to identify, particularly as it usually happens within the family home, and abusers often act very differently when other people are around. In some communities, it can be difficult for victims to seek help because of the shame that this will bring on themselves and their family.

If you think a child is being affected by domestic violence, you could sit down with them and ask if there are problems at home. Remain calm, patient, and be understanding. It's important to believe them and let them know they have done the right thing by telling you.

Bear in mind that children may be reluctant to talk about the abuse. They may feel a strong sense of responsibility to protect the abused parent and be unsure whether 'telling' will help or not. They may be scared that their parents will be angry with them.

Let them know that they are not alone and that there are sources of help available. You could help them to get more advice and information.

The child may wish for the things they have told you to remain confidential, but it's important not to promise that you won’t tell anyone, as it may be necessary to tell someone for the child’s safety. If this is the case, always let the child know who you are going to tell and why.

If you are unsure what to do, whether you have talked to a child or if you just suspect there may be a problem, you can talk to someone at the NSPCC Helpline who can advise you.

More help

NSPCC Helpline: Advice and support for adults concerned about a child.

Police: Emergency and non-emergency police services.

The Hideout: Help for children and young people in understanding domestic abuse.

NDVH: Service for women experiencing domestic violence.

Women’s Aid: Help for women and their children affected by domestic violence.

Was this page helpful: Yes or No?