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Encouraging better behaviour

Many parents say their children are the most important part of their lives. They bring joy and laughter and give you a stake in the future. But being a parent isn't always easy. It can be challenging and exhausting. At such times parents who are normally loving and caring can find themselves 'losing it' and hitting their children.

Most parents don't think hitting children is right, yet in times of stress, anger or frustration find themselves lashing out. But many feel guilty afterwards and want to find better ways of handling difficult behaviour.

Positive parenting and positive discipline

The following techniques work with any child, regardless of temperament, background, culture or tradition. They build on a child's natural wish to please you, and will ensure a happier child and less stressed parents.

Babies behave as they do to get their needs met. When they cry or don't sleep, they're not doing this to be 'naughty' or to wind you up.

  • 'Baby-proof' your home so your baby can enjoy challenges without battles.
  • Use distraction with older babies - point out something happening out of the window when they head for the video, or swap your keys for a toy if they try to grab them.

Toddlers: Most naughty behaviour in toddlers is part of normal development. All toddlers test limits, try to be independent, get into everything, get mad and have tantrums.

  • praise good behaviour that you want to encourage
  • if you ignore behaviour you don't like, it is less likely to be repeated
  • keep 'No's' to a minimum
  • acknowledge your child's feelings - 'I know you're cross'
  • remain calm and reasonable yourself.

School-age children: Being 'cheeky' or disobedient may show a natural desire in your child to assert independence and show he has a mind of his own.

  • Listen to your child about friends, their day, any worries that may make behaviour worse.
  • Keep criticisms to a minimum - only criticise behaviour, not your child.
  • A 'broken record' approach can work well - calmly repeating what you expect your child to do.

Teenagers: It is normal for young people to challenge you more - their friends start to exert a greater influence and they just can't go along with everything parents want.

  • don't take bad behaviour personally
  • keep communicating
  • try not to use threats or orders
  • talk and negotiate solutions when there is a disagreement

Saying sorry

Working at positive discipline takes a lot of energy. No parent can do it perfectly all the time. All parents have behaved in ways they regret - shouting or smacking. If it happens, say you are sorry, make up and try again. This teaches children a valuable lesson.

Why smacking is never a good idea

Parents may believe there are occasions when only a smack will do. For example, your child is really cheeky and disobedient; your toddler runs into the road; one of your children bites a playmate. It can be tempting to think a smack sorts out these incidents quickly, but it does nothing to teach your child how you want him to behave. Instead, it:

  • gives a bad example of how to handle strong emotions
  • may lead children to hit or bully others
  • they may lie, or hide feelings, to avoid smacking
  • it can make defiant, uncooperative behaviour worse, so discipline gets even harder
  • children feel resentful and angry, which can spoil family relationships if it goes on for a long time.

I was smacked as a child - did my parents get it wrong?

These days we know a great deal more about why children behave as they do, and about the effects of smacking. Our parents did the best they could at the time. Modern parents choose parenting without the pain, for child or adults.

Top ten ways to be a great parent without smacking
1. give love and warmth as much as possible
2. have clear simple rules and limits.
3. be a good example
4. praise good behaviour so it will increase
5. ignore behaviour you don't want repeated
6. criticise behaviours, not your child
7. reward good behaviour by hugs and kisses
8. distract younger children or use humour
9. allow children some control - choices, joint decisions
10. If a punishment is necessary, then removal of privileges, 'time out', or natural consequences all work better than smacking.

Useful contacts:

The NSPCC Child Protection Helpline: 0808 800 5000.
We're open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are free, unless you're calling from a mobile phone.

Children are Unbeatable Alliance
(An alliance of more than 300 organisations campaigning for children to have the same legal protections against being hit as adults. Also provides advice on disciplining children without smacking.)
Telephone: 020 7700 0627
http://www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk

Parentline Plus
Helpline: 0808 800 2222
Textphone: 0800 783 6783
http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk

National Childminding Association
Advice Line: 0800 169 4486
http://www.ncma.org.uk