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Many children in the UK will experience the separation and divorce of their parents by the time they are 16.
When the parents' relationship breaks down, it is usually painful for everyone in the family. It's very important to try to minimise the stress and bitterness that can result, particularly when children are involved. It is easy for parents to be so distracted by their own feelings about the situation that they lose sight of how it may be affecting their children.
"My husband and I are thinking of separating and divorcing. How might this affect our children?"
This largely depends on two things: how you both deal with the separation, and your children's personalities, maturity and ways of coping with difficulties.
Some couples manage to agree fairly amicably about arrangements for the children, finances, property issues, etc. Others have more difficulty.
You may have powerful feelings about the break-up. Anger and guilt are common. Concentrate on not letting these feelings get in the way of communication with your partner and your children. You will both continue to be their parents and need to reach a workable agreement about how they are cared for in the future.
It's not always easy to tell through observation how much children are being affected. Some will show no outward signs, but can inwardly be suffering high levels of distress and anxiety that they may not understand. So if your children appear to be handling things calmly, don't assume that they don't need reassurance.
Some children have feelings of guilt when their parents separate or divorce. They may think that if they had behaved better or done better in school, their parents would not be separating. They need their parents to tell them that it's not their fault and that they are loved and play an important part in their parents' lives.
"What should I tell the children?"
Once you have decided that you can't live together any more, you need to tell your children. Try to find words appropriate for their age to help them understand. Tell them what's happening and answer their questions in a truthful but reassuring way. Try not to let your own pain or anger influence what you say or how you say it.
For a younger child, keep things simple. You can tell them more as things progress. Older children will want to know how the break-up will affect them. Will they have to move and change schools? Will they still see the parent who is leaving, and how, and when?
Remember to reassure your children that both you and your ex-partner will continue to be their parents and to play a role in their lives.
"My daughter's behaviour has changed since I parted from her father. She used to be being mainly happy and outgoing, but now has become moody and withdrawn."
It is not uncommon for a child's behaviour to change when their parents' relationship breaks down. Children under five sometimes return to younger behaviour, such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking. They may seem confused, tetchy, or worried. Children between six and nine years will realise something is happening, but are not usually mature enough to understand what's going on. They may find it difficult to talk about their feelings, so instead express them through behaviour such as anger, lack of concentration or difficulties with learning.
Children aged between nine and 16 will have a greater understanding of the situation. They will probably feel upset and angry, but may find it difficult to talk to you about this. By this age, most will have developed important relationships outside the family, mainly with friends. They may find it helpful to talk to their friends about how they feel, or to a trusted adult such as a teacher or family friend.
"What can I do to help my daughter deal with the situation?"
Most children are able to cope with family conflict and divorce and adjust to the changes involved if the adults in their lives help them to do so.
Make time for your daughter to talk to you about how she is feeling. Some children are good at hiding their feelings. Others, like your daughter, express them indirectly through changes in behaviour. Both these responses may be because the children lack the "emotional literacy" to fully understand and express what they are feeling. By encouraging your daughter to talk about the situation, you can help her identify and express what is going on inside.
Try to:
"Is any expert help available to me?"
It might be useful to discuss your worries about your daughter with your GP. If appropriate, they may recommend your local child and adolescent mental health team, who can provide individual or family therapy.
The Family Contact Line on 0161 941 4011 offers a telephone listening service and counselling for people under stress. They provide a sympathetic ear for marital and relationship problems to children and family members. The contact line is open Monday - Friday, from 10am-10pm, and from 10am-1pm on Saturday.
Don't forget, you can also contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 and talk to a Helpline adviser about the situation. They will listen, advise and suggest support for your daughter and other family members, including yourself.
"My ex-partner and I have a four-year old son. When we try to discuss plans for his future, we always end up arguing. Family mediation has been suggested to us - what is it?"
Family mediation is not about helping parents get back together again. It's a service for those who have decided their relationship is over, but would like help discussing and making decisions about their child(ren)'s future. For example, where the child(ren) will live, how often they will see the other parent, etc.
During mediation, a fully trained mediator works with the parents and family to help them communicate better with each other and focus on what's best for the child(ren). You are treated as the experts on your child(ren). The mediator does not advise parents about what is best. Instead, they help couples share information, ideas and feelings constructively so that they make informed decisions together. The parents have control of, and are responsible for, all the decisions made.
The aim is for you all to work co-operatively to reach an agreement about arrangements for the future care of your child(ren). Research with couples that had used family mediation showed that it had helped them to end their marriages amicably. The couples also felt more content about the arrangements they had made for care of the child(ren) than couples who had not used mediation, and were less likely to have disagreements about contact with the child(ren).
"What if we use mediation but still can't agree on our child's future?"
If your negotiations are unsuccessful, you can ask the family proceedings court to make the decision for you. However, the court is usually reluctant to do so, as they generally feel that parents are the best people to make this kind of decision.
The Children Act of 1989 changed the law relating to custody of children. Parents can no longer apply for "custody" or "access". If you wanted the court to make an order about where the child lives, you would apply for a "residence order". If you wanted the court to decide contact arrangements other than overnight stays, you would apply for a "contact order". Find out more about contact arrangements.
Useful contacts
NSPCC Helpline
Tel: 0808 800 5000
Email: Helpline@nspcc.org.uk
NSPCC Asian Helpline
Bengali 0800 096 7714
Gujurati 0800 096 7715
Hindi 0800 096 7716
Punjabi 0800 096 7717
Urdu 0800 096 7718
Asian/English 0800 096 7719
Cymru/Wales Child Protection Helpline
Freephone: 0808 100 2524.
Email: helplinecymru@nspcc.org.uk in English or Welsh.
Textphone: Freephone 0808 100 1033. This is for people with hearing difficulties.
Fax: 01248 361085
National Family Mediation
0207 485 8809
www.nfm.u-net.com
A network of more than 60 local non-profit making family mediation services in England and Wales that offer help to couples, married or unmarried, who are in the process of separation or divorce.
Relateline
0845 130 4010
Monday - Friday, 9.30am-4.30pm
www.relate.org.uk
Telephone helpline service from Relate. Users can talk to an experienced Relate counsellor for up to 20 minutes and all calls are confidential.
Parentlineplus
0808 000 2222
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Free, confidential 24-hour helpline for parents and carers.
Lone Parent Helpline
800 018 5026
Monday - Friday, 9.15am-5.15pm
National Helpline for lone parents, run by parents.
Children's Legal Centre
01206 873 820
Monday - Friday 10am-12.30pm, 2pm-4.30pm
www.childrenslegalcentre.com
Email: clc@essex.ac.uk
Free and confidential legal advice and information service covering all aspects of law and policy relating to children and young people.
NCH (National Children's Homes)
www.itsnotyourfault.org
Website for children whose parents are splitting up, with separate advice sections for children, teenagers, and parents.
National Youth Agency
www.youthinformation.com
Online advice for 11-18 year olds on a range of subjects including divorce and separation of parents.
Copyright © 2006 NSPCC - All rights reserved. National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, Weston House, 42
Curtain Road, London EC2A 3NH. Incorporated by Royal Charter. Registered charity number 216401. NSPCC, charity registered in Scotland, charity number SC037717.