If a child’s parents are divorcing or separating it can cause feelings of anxiety, uncertainty or worry. Deciding how you’ll coparent is important for everyone involved and can help reduce some of those feelings.
Who has parental responsibility?
In general, mums automatically have parental responsibility for their child from birth.
Dads usually have parental responsibility for the child if:
- they were married to the child's mum; and/or
- they are listed on the child's birth certificate.
If both parents have parental responsibility, it means they're both responsible for the child's wellbeing. This is the case until the child turns 18. You can learn more about parental rights and responsibilities on the UK government website.
We also have advice and ideas for parents and carers on supporting children through separation or divorce, including planning to tell them what's happening and how to talk about things.
How to agree on child contact
Children tend to do best when they have contact with both parents. And they have the right to maintain contact with them, unless it's not in their best interest.
There are three ways to decide who a child lives with and how visits will work.
Contact arrangements
A 'contact arrangement' sets out who the child lives with and when they can see the parent they don’t live with.
Where possible, contact arrangements should be decided by you as parents. They should always be based on what's best for the child.
It’s easier for everyone if you can agree on the contact arrangements without going to court. Court processes can be upsetting, expensive and lengthy.
If you're finding it difficult to agree on arrangements, the National Association of Child Contact Centres may be able to help.
Contact centres are friendly, safe and neutral spaces for parents and other family members to meet their child or children. This means you'd be able to see your child without having to meet the other parent or family members.
Family mediation
If you can't agree on a contact arrangement, the next step is called 'family mediation'. This can help end disagreements without needing to go to court.
Both parents usually have an initial, individual meeting with the mediator. If the mediator believe there’s an imbalance of power in the relationship (for example, coercion or control) then mediation may not go ahead. A mediator is an independent, trained person who can help parents come to an agreement. They can also explain the laws supporting the agreement.
Depending on your circumstances, you may be able to get legal aid for mediation. That means you don't need to pay the mediator's fees. Find out more from the Family Mediation Council.
Sometimes mediation doesn't work. That might be because one parent doesn't agree to attend the sessions, or because both parents can't make an agreement with the mediator's help.
Child Arrangement Order
If mediation doesn't work, either parent can apply through the courts for a Child Arrangement Order (previously known as a Contact Order).
A Child Arrangement Order is a legal agreement that says:
- who the child lives with;
- who will have contact with the child; and
- how often and for how long the contact visits will be.
Before making an application, you will need to prove you’ve tried mediation (except in certain circumstances, such as relationships that have involved domestic abuse).
The court will only make an Arrangement Order if they believe it would be better for the child to do so.
Before they can see a judge, the family will be given a Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) officer. The Cafcass officer will work with the family to understand any risks to the children and think about whether a decision can be made through mediation.
How courts decide on child contact
Every child and set of circumstances is different. But in every situation, the child's wellbeing must be put first. When deciding how much contact the child will have with each parent and where the child will live, the courts think about key issues, such as:
- the wishes and feelings of the child
- any harm or risk of harm
- the child's physical, emotional and educational needs
- the likely effect of any change in the child's circumstances
- the child's age, sex, background and characteristics, and
- the ability of each parent to meet the child's needs.
What does the law say about child contact?
A child can't be forced to see a parent they don't live with. But if there's a court order in place, the parent the child lives with must follow the agreed arrangement.
Before you think about stopping contact with a parent or another family member, it's really important to ask your child why they don't want to see this person. Try to find out what's bothering them and see if there's anything that needs to change.
Both parents should do their best to make the child feel safe and happy in their care. While a child's feelings are very important, you should encourage contact as long as you're sure they're not at risk of harm.
If your child doesn't feel like they're being heard, they can contact an advocacy service such as NYAS. This organisation helps young people in England and Wales express their wishes and get support.
A Child Arrangement Order is legally binding and ensures that contact takes place between the child and the parent they don't live with. If the agreement is broken by either parent, they can be taken to court.
You should only refuse contact if you think your child is likely to come to harm if they see the parent they don't live with. If you think your child may come to any harm, you should consider whether contact goes ahead – but you may need to explain this in court.
Legally, yes. But children generally do better when they have contact with both parents (and their extended families). Parents should always think about what's best for the child.
If a parent feels they are being unfairly denied contact, they may seek legal advice.
Grandparents have no automatic rights to have contact with a child after a family separation. However, agreements can usually be reached with the parents.
The UK government website has advice for grandparents in England and Wales, and the process is different in Northern Ireland and Scotland.
Need support?
Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000, or email [email protected].
Other organisations you can talk to
- The Coram Children's Legal Centre offers free information and advice on all aspects of the law relating to young people.
- Both Parents Matter champions the child's relationship with both parents during and after family separation.
- Gingerbread provides support for single parents in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. One Parent Families provides this service in Scotland.
- Relate provides mediation and family counselling. They also offer advice on understanding children's feelings and behaviour during separation.
- Family Lives (England and Wales), Children 1st Scotland and Parenting Focus provide professional, non-judgemental advice to all family members to help achieve the best outcome for everyone.
- The Scottish Child Law Centre gives legal advice for and about children and Citizens Advice can give advice to parents if their relationship breaks down.
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