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"It's English tomorrow so I'm REALLY nervous about that one. Got to make sure I do well. Teachers keep going on about 'our futures' and I want to make sure I have one."
Wednesday 18 May
Such a stresshead at the moment. Exams. Revision. Tea. Exams. Revision. Tea. Repeat. And then some energy drinks just to keep me going! Most of all STRESS though.
That's one of the things that does my head in. Since it happened all the stress I feel is always double. Double the worry. Double the panic. Double all the bad stuff. Feel like my head's a volcano some times. The stuff Mary's taken me through helps – just makes my head clearer. I'm trying to focus on what's important. Sometimes it gets really hard though and all this stuff just starts flooding back.
It's English tomorrow so I'm REALLY nervous about that one. Got to make sure I do well. Teachers keep going on about 'our futures' and I want to make sure I have one.
Mum's been helping with my revision, testing me (and making the tea) and I'm texting Milly more now. She thinks she did really badly on the maths one yesterday but we got some of the same answers so reckon we can't both be wrong!
Most of all though, I feel a lot lighter now (lighter? Haha, what does that even mean? But that's the only way I can describe it). Said to Milly we should hang out in the park when these exams are over. Make the most of the sunshine.
So it was my birthday yesterday. Don’t really want to celebrate (don’t really feel like there’s much to celebrate!) and mum keeps asking me if I want to have a little party or for Milly and the girls to come round. NOOOOOO!
But Mum and Dad got me a cake, we got a takeaway and they gave me some nice presents so the day wasn’t a complete write off. It’s just that these big days are the ones you start thinking of everything that’s happened. That’s what I really don’t need.
I’m trying really hard to move on at the moment. Milly slipped a card to me too. She did write something really sweet in it but I don’t want to be feeling emotional.
We did a new session with mum and dad last week. It was hard to get through. We had to take turns doing a role play where we ‘played’ each other and I pretended to be mum and dad, nagging and hassling and refusing to leave me alone. The way Mum’s face dropped made me feel bad. She said they feel guilty that they couldn’t stop it happening to me and that they don’t know how to help me. I said it’s OK, I just need space sometimes. Then my dad said ‘We’ll try, Abs’ and it’s ‘we just want you to know we’re always here for you’. I didn’t know how to react to that but I felt closer to them than I have in a long time.
Oh, and I got an essay back from Ms. Harrison in English today. An A!!! I haven’t got an A in ages. Since before everything happened. I feel so proud of myself. She said it was the best in the class and that I should be looking to do really well in my GCSEs. God, I hadn’t even really started thinking about them yet. We’ve actually got exams coming up really soon though. I need to do well in them. It’s time to try and stop looking back. I want to leave all this behind me and think about what I can do in the future.
Friday 22 April
I hate Chloe. That feels good to write down. She can go to hell. But... whatever, she can say what she likes I'm not going to let her get me down. It all started a few mornings ago in school. It was the first day back after the holidays. I knew Chloe was talking about me in class, and then in the corridor she kind of pushed into me and said something under her breath. Something about 'Stop being so weird in class.'
Shouldn't be surprised. I'd heard her whispering about me before and in the group chat we have there were loads of messages on Whatsapp over Easter asking me why I hadn't been out with them, and Chloe kept making little snidey comments, thinking she was funny. Saying I was no fun anymore and that I'd turned weird. I tried to ignore them but I couldn't stop thinking about what they saying about me when they were out together. Did someone know? Had one of the teachers told them?
I know Milly doesn't like her - says she's nasty - and she kept texting me to ask me to go out, trying to convince me it would be fun, til I'd said no 1,000 times.
I just went and sat on my own after it happened. Started panicking a bit, what if she knew? Was this everyone? Mary had talked to me about dealing with stuff like this. She told me how to 'walk tall' - that's what she always calls it. I know that two months ago this would have made me lie in bed for months not wanting to leave. Let her gossip if she wants to. Milly doesn't really like her and guess the other girls don't either. She just wants the attention,.
After last time I know I can deal with this, they can't hurt me. I'm walking tall. Feels good.
Got a bit ahead of myself in the last entry! Tricked myself into thinking it was all sunshine and unicorns but sometimes it feels like I can't keep the bad stuff out. It's always that time: 2am lying awake when everything's silent and you can't stop your brain thinking all this stuff.
But it's the Easter holidays so that kind of helps, though I've not even really left the house LOL. Milly actually came round and we watched telly together, Hollyoaks and all that kind of stuff. It was good actually - took my mind off things.. Feel like I haven't laughed in aaaaaagesss.
Milly asked me to hang out with the girls but I still can't face that. I'm actually doing a lot of writing. Went shopping with mum too. She was nagging me all the time asking if I was alright – it just got annoying. But she did buy me this book with a leather cover to write in which is really cool.
I've had a couple of sessions with Mary too. Told her about the nightmares and worrying about everything in my head, if I'll ever feel normal again. She says that's completely to be expected. It was so good to hear that – it's a weight off my mind.
It's weird how much stuff I say to Mary. I remember when I started I was worried she'd make me talk about everything but she never has done. She's good like that, doesn't force me to do anything I don't want to. It's just like a chat a lot of the time.
I told her what the head teacher said about my writing. She asked if I wanted to write when I came to see her. So I just had these stories in my head and they all came out. I just wrote and wrote and then we talked about the stories afterwards.
Mary was saying how it's good to be in control of your own story. Then she talked about what books she read. I hadn't heard of them (probably old lady books!) and she was asking me about Frankenstein and The Hunger Games and other books I'd been reading. The time went so quickly.
So it happened. The thing I was terrified would happen. It was a PSHE lesson a few days ago. I wasn’t concentrating until I realised it was sex ed. Everyone was kind of laughing at it all but it just brought it all back. That dizzy and sick feeling came in, but double anything I’ve ever had before. My head was spinning so much I had to leave the room. The class was all laughing at me.
I just lost it. Milly and some of the other girls were trying to say something. I just pushed them out of the way. Some stupid boy shouted something and I ran out. It was all a blur. I sat in the toilet cubicle trying out the stuff I’d practiced that Mary had told me. I was staring at all the things in the toilet cubicle – it would have been funny if I hadn’t felt so freaked out. Then when everyone had gone I just walked out and left.
Thought mum would hit the roof but she was actually really good. I told her a brief version of what happened and she hugged me, told me to have a lie down and she made me some cheese on toast (my favourite!!).
But today was duh, duh duh, JUDGEMENT DAY!! I had to go in and see Mrs Greaves the headmistress. I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about it. After all the other stuff I didn’t need this.
We sat there in silence, mum and dad on either side of me. It seemed quiet for ages. But when she started talking she said I’d been through something no one should have to go through. That if I ever needed help the school would do everything they could. To let them know what I needed. Even that she’d heard I was a very talented writer and I should be proud of some of the stuff I’d done in English.
It wasn’t the car wreck I’d been expecting. Maybe Mary was right. So tonight I’m just sitting here trying to write – it’s hard when you want to do nothing but close things out but writing all this down helps me somehow. It levels me out a bit. Can’t believe they think I’m good at English! Didn’t think anybody took any notice. Maybe I’m not stupid after all!
Got the courage to open my phone too. So many Snaps on there. Loads from Milly asking what’s up. Just kind of ignored her in school since it happened. I wish she’d just leave me alone.
It’s been a bit of an up and down week tbh.
Suppose I should focus on the positives first (that’s what mum and dad keep saying!). We’re doing a book I really like in English. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Thought it was about some stupid monster but it’s actually really interesting.
Can’t believe she wrote it when she was a teenager. That’s so crazy. I could never come up with anything like that.
And now the bad stuff (there’s loads of it, so get ready!). I’m having some weird feelings and it’s starting to make me freak out a bit. Flashbacks kind of. Really horrible and I can’t get them out of my head. I feel like I’m going crazy. When the corridor’s busy or when I feel like the teacher is standing over me I can’t control my feelings – I start shaking and just have to not be there.
And every time I open a Snap I think it’ll be about me, them laughing at me or someone’s found out and my stomach just falls out of my body. Just have to lie down when I get back from school and try not to think about anything.
I thought I was just being weird but I mentioned it to Mary in our session today and she said that’s very normal. We went through these ‘grounding techniques’ that help if I ever feel it coming on. I thought she was talking rubbish at the start but the more she explained it the more sense it made – about not letting myself go back to that time and doing things to keep you in the now – like listening to loud music or making a list of everything around me.
We talked a lot today actually. About walking tall (she loves telling me that, I kind of like it) and realising that people are on my side – mum and dad and the teachers, even Milly. I’m trying to get that in my head but it’s hard. I don’t think anyone understands. How could they? They don’t know what it’s like. There’s no way I can tell Milly about this – she’d run a mile, probably tell the whole school as well.
Bit awkward with Milly in school today. She stopped me in the corridor for a chat. She's trying to persuade me to go to Ben's this Friday. I really can't deal with something like that, not at the moment.
I couldn't think of a good excuse but wanted her off my back, so ended up saying maybe she could come over sometime to watch Made In Chelsea. I really didn't mean it. She's pinned me down to next Fri but I'm going to have to find an excuse to get out of it. Now I feel really stressed about it.
I can do without all this. I don't even want her to talk to me. She doesn't realise it's not that easy. I just have to deal with this one day at a time.
Set my alarm and get up at 6.30 as I have another counselling session with Mary this morning. It's weird to talk about stuff – I never thought I'd be able to – but when I came out I realised I felt a bit better than I have for ages.
When mum picked me up I actually smiled at her (that even surprised me!) but I could see how much it means from her reaction. For the first time in ages I feel a bit lighter – I don't know how else to describe it. Think she got a bit emotional. Said 'Oh, Abi' and hugged me.
We went home and mum made my favourite dinner – spag bol – and we stayed up and watched telly together.
Milly texted me – she's posted all the photos on Instagram of Jack's party. The one I couldn't face. Look at all their happy, smiling faces. I wish I could be one of those people again.
I went to see Mary today.
We talked about a lot of things. It was kind of good to get things out. We talked about how it was really difficult for me to tell anyone about what happened with him because I was warned Mum and Dad wouldn't believe me. Mary said it was good I told people because it stopped him doing it to other children.
She doesn't feel the need to ask if I'm ok all the time.
Mum asked what we talked about.
I didn't tell her.
Mrs Fletcher chucked my mark from my essay about New Year onto my desk during English. I forgot it was today.
I hated that essay. I didn’t have any fun at NY… All I have to look forward to is another year of feeling like this. Yippee.
Another year of memories. Wish this would end.
I should have just made it up.
I remember Mary telling me not to be so hard on myself. I can’t think.
Mum asked if I heard back about my essay. I shrugged. I couldn’t face telling her.
I just came up stairs and closed my bedroom door.
Milly mentioned a text I ignored last weekend. wanted advice on what dress to wear to Ben's party.
Like she cares what I think. No one cares. I don't care.
I said I didn't get it and shrugged.
I don't want to hear about the party, or what she wore for it, or what a great time everyone had, or who got with who, or anything else... I just don't care!
Just kind of ghosted through school today. Don’t think I talked to anyone.
Just kept thinking about it - him – all day. I hate how he’s in my head. I know it’s an important year. But I can’t control what I think about, can I?
Urrrgh – it’s so annoying.
I missed which questions we were doing in maths. I couldn’t ask. So I just sat there and looked thick. Milly let me copy her.
I only got to answer two of the questions before time was up.
I need to concentrate. I’m all over the place.
It feels like it’s all building up inside me. But I can’t speak to my mum about it. Don’t know if she noticed today’s been worse than usual but she knocked on my door tonight and asked about seeing Mary again. She hugged me.
I hate her hugging me, but I smiled anyway.
Some woman called Mary came to the house – it was the counsellor. She seemed ok.
She talked about herself. I just nodded and forced a smile. It's a bit like drama class – don't know what to do with myself.
Why she cares I don't know. Suppose she is being paid. I kept trying to look up and seem normal and started telling her about myself.
Bet she doesn't actually care. Why would you?
Mary told me other young people feel bad after they've been abused. I feel sort of normal after that. She seems to know what she's talking about and now I know I'm not the only one. She said other young people get over it with help.
Can you though, really? I mean, will I ever be ok again?
She also told me about the room her sessions are usually held in and showed me photos. They have loads of stuff that's meant to help you express yourself. We're going to meet there next time.
Mum reminded me that the counsellor woman is coming tomorrow. I keep telling her I don't want to talk to anyone.
What would I say? I don't need another thing to be rubbish at.
Like she would understand? She'll just be fake.
And what if anyone finds out?
Mum will make me though. She's been desperate for it ever since I told her.
She thinks that it will help me feel better. A chat – really?
It won't. Nothing will. Why doesn't she think that I know best?
I'm the one who thinks about it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Had drama class today – it's the worst. I never know how to act. How does everyone have so much confidence?
My arms looked so strange. And I didn't want to show anyone my legs. Be a tree – they said. How? I stood in the corner.
Luckily everyone forgot about me. Milly tried to join me and chat. I just nodded and smiled.
The photos from Saturday night are up on Instagram. Everyone looks happy. Milly looks pretty.
This eve mum asked me to come down for dinner. I shouted I'd be down in 15 mins.
I wasn't doing anything. Just lying on my bed.
What felt like a few mins later mum knocked and said it'd been an hour and a half and asked if I was ok.
I said I was fine, I just wasn't hungry. Actually I was hungry, just couldn't face going down.
She didn't knock again. Part of me wishes she would come back...
All my friends are going bowling and then Ben's house party tonight. All that group from Jack's NYE party. Milly asked me to come, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't even know them, I wasn't at the party – I've just seen the photos they've snapchatted.
I said I'll think about it, but I was never going to go. Can't face that kind of thing.
And anyway they don't really want me there. Milly's only being polite. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I embarrass her. And the rest of them, I see it in their faces. Bet they're talking about me right now.
And I'm just here in my room.
Parents are so annoying, they keep smiling at me. I've tried to tell them to leave me alone, but they don't get it. No one gets it.
Why would Milly want to hang out with me? Why would anyone?
Milly texted me about it again after school.
Apparently her Mum had mentioned it to Mum, so now she's nagging me. Why did she do that? I'm so pissed off with her. Mum says it will be 'good' for me.
I can't even think of a good excuse. I just ignored her.
They'll all look at me, and they'll know. They'll think I'm sad, and weird. And dirty.
I texted back "no, I can't. Just drop it!"
She didn't respond. Prob too busy enjoying herself. I'm just going to lie here...
Can't sleep – keep tossing and turning. Am only getting snippets of sleep. Woke up and my bed was drenched in sweat again. When will this stop?
I just stare at the red numbers on the clock. They don't ever seem to move. I got up and walked about quietly. I didn't leave my room though. Mum hadn't left the landing light on. It's almost time to get up. Where's the night gone?
My alarm screamed this morning. I didn't move. I felt exhausted. I thought about getting up, about going to school. I didn't move though. I was knackered. It's so loud and busy there, so much shouting and running around. I can't stand it.
I just want to stay in bed and shut my eyes... but it won't go away. I hate this.
Mum shouted at me for not having time for breakfast. She immediately looked panicked and sad. She tried to hug me. I smiled. And cringed. I don't want to make her sad.
I hate this. I hate everything.
I hate me.
Wednesday 18 May
ARGH. Just so much STRESS. ALL the time.
That’s one of the things that does my head in. Since it happened all the stress I feel is always double. Double the worry. Double the panic. Double all the bad stuff. Feel like my head’s a volcano. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it going off. This noise growing and growing in my head and there’s no way to get it out. I smashed my room up last night cos I couldn’t think of any other way to feel like I could get it out.
Think I’ve been to 2 exams so far out of like 10. Hahaha. Just doomed, aren’t I? Poor me. Even in those 2 I just wrote my name and then sat there staring at the paper. Wrote a bit in the English one and then it got too much, being in that big room and I left it as soon as I could.
Ended up screaming at mum before because she keeps asking ’Are you OK?’, ‘Are you OK?’ over and over. ALL DAY.
Just before I came up here I think I heard mum on the phone to the school again. Don’t know if it was about missing the exams. She hasn’t come up to talk about it yet but we’ll find out soon I guess. Oh good, more arguing and moaning about something pointless to get through.
So it was my birthday yesterday. Don't really want to celebrate (what the hell is there to celebrate!?). Mum and dad didn't do anything for me, some presents which I don't want. Once that was over I snuck out to the shopping centre with those new girls, Laura and Nicky. Stayed out pretty late, just hanging about. They're pretty funny but a little weird. They know loads of stuff I have no idea about. Not like Milly and all of them. They're clueless.
I saw a cake in the fridge when I got home. Haha, do they think I want a cake?? They think I want to act like this is a day of fun and smiles and pretending everything's OK. Why can't they leave me alone? They keep nagging and hassling all the time. They don't know the half of what's going on in my head all day, 24/7, over and over and over. It never stops.
And it gets better – exams are coming up soon! Just what I needed. To be honest I don't even care though. Yesterday I was supposed to go in to school for revision but I pretended I was sick – not sure mum believes me but I just lay in bed all day and tried to not to think of anything.
Today she made me go in but I went to the park and sat there all day and went back home. I felt pretty spaced out when I got back. Just feel numb every day.
Friday 22 April
I hate Chloe. That feels good to write down. She can go to hell. ARGGGHHH!! I’m still raging about it. It all started a few mornings ago in school. It was the first day back after the holidays. I knew Chloe was talking about me in class, and then in the corridor she kind of pushed into me and said something under her breath. Something about ‘Stop being so weird in class.’ I’d heard her whispering about me before.
I bet they’re all in on it. All of those girls are horrible. When I was out over Easter they all laugh at girls like this – stupid, they don’t know anything and think they’re better than me – good little girls. Milly, Chloe the whole lot of them. They mean nothing to me.
Shouldn’t be surprised anyway. In the group chat they’ve left me on there were loads of messages on Whatsapp over Easter asking me why I hadn’t been out with them, and Chloe kept making little snidey comments, thinking she was funny. Mostly just that I was boring and that I’d turned weird.
Really freaked me out – maybe they know what happened. Has one of the teachers told them?
I just left school after that. It was last period anyway. My head was all over the place all the way to the shops. Dad was still up again when I got in. Can’t remember what I said to him, but it was another row. I just want to hide from everyone.
I don't know how long I can go on like this. Can kind of tune out in school and forget what's happened for a few seconds. But it's always that time: 2am lying awake when everything's silent and you can't stop your brain thinking all this stuff. I can't escape it all. And it's every night. I don't have anyone to speak to.
It's the Easter holidays so there's no-one to talk to – all the girls in school have avoided me since the stuff in PSHE. So I'm just sitting here. Groundhog day. The same thoughts going through my mind. It's the same every day really – sit in my PJs with mum moaning at me to do something. I've started going down the shops – there's these girls who I've started chatting to. A bit older than me and they seem cool, really funny anyway, and we stay out. They have a bit of money to spend so we just hang around the shops. Anything to keep away from the house.
Mum keeps asking where I'm going, says I'm too young to be out without telling her where I am. But she doesn't care. She bought me this stupid leather book to write in, says I used to love writing stories down and I should try. So stupid. I've got better things to do than writing. I'd rather be out forgetting about all of this.
Got home late the other night and Dad was waiting for me, haha. The look on his face. I just went up to my room. It means I don't have to stay up just staring at the ceiling anyway. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. I've had enough of thinking about it all. I just want to forget it.
So it happened. The thing I was terrified would happen. I knew it would. It was a PSHE lesson a few days ago. I wasn’t concentrating until I realised it was sex ed. Everyone was kind of laughing at it all but it just brought it all back. That dizzy and sick feeling came in, but double anything I’ve ever had before. My head was spinning so much I had to leave the room. The class was all laughing at me.
I just lost it. Milly and some of the other girls were trying to say something. I just pushed them out of the way. Some stupid boy shouted something, I tried to hit him and then ran out. It’s all a blur. I sat in the toilet cubicle, my heart wouldn’t slow down. I was back there, with him. It was all happening to me again and again. All these images racing through my mind, faster and faster. I ended up smashing my hand against the wall, trying to make it go away.
I don’t know how long I was there but I decided to just leave and walk into town. Just walked around. My eyes must have looked really red and puffy because everyone was just staring at me, muttering things and talking about me under their breath.
I don’t know how long I was out but it was dark by the time I got home and mum freaked out. I wish she’d get off my back, she doesn’t care, she just wants a normal good little girl.
And so we got to today. JUDGEMENT DAY. I had to go in and see the headmistress – I couldn’t wait to get told what to do, that ‘this is not acceptable behaviour’ BLAH BLAH BLAH. They say they understand the situation. NO YOU DON’T. It’s obvious they don’t care about me at all. Mum and dad don’t stick up for me, just kept shaking their heads. Mum cried like usual. And the school can go to hell.
Now it’s just me in my room. Can I have just ten minutes of not thinking about it? I just want to block everything out. All this stuff in my head. No one to talk to, no way to deal with it all. Milly has sent me loads of messages as well. How has she not got the hint yet?!
The weeks just keep getting harder. I feel like I’m on a slope with ice on just slipping down and down and down. I can’t get a grip to pull me up.
Every morning I just lie there. Mum screams at me to get up. I wish I could just lie in bed every day. All day. No one buzzing around, nothing else to deal with.
Every lesson is just an hour of rubbish that means nothing to me. Hour after hour to get through until the end of the day. I don’t take anything in, it’s all a blur. It’s all pointless. English is the only lesson that’s bearable but even that’s getting too much.
And I’m having some weird feelings and it’s really making me freak out. Flashbacks kind of. Really horrible and I can’t get them out of my head. I feel like I’m going crazy. When the corridor’s busy or when I feel like the teacher is standing over me I can’t control my feelings – I start shaking and just have to not be there.How do you deal with stuff like this? What the hell am I supposed to do? Standing in school shaking like some weirdo.
When I look over Milly and Becky are always laughing, probably about me. Because sometimes I catch Milly looking at me and she quickly looks the other way. I’ve thought about talking to her but imagine. Imagine me telling her and she’d just tell the whole school. They’d think I was a freak. Why I did I let this happen to me? I don’t even open all the Snapchat messages from the girls – I’m not part of that anymore and I don’t need them gossiping about me.
Completely awkward with Milly in school today. I was walking along the corridor and she stopped me, started asking why I won’t see her, why I don’t reply to her texts. She tried to tell me how much she cares, that she’s been thinking about me all weekend.
It’s weird, she actually looks upset… She’s a good actress I guess. I know she can’t mean it. Why would she care??
I can do without all this. I don’t even want her to talk to me. No one cares and that’s fine. I just have to deal with this on my own.
Set my alarm and get up at 6.30 today just so I can avoid mum. I can’t face any questions. Always questions. It’s like a ghost town when I got to school. I just sit there in the form room in silence.
Drift through the day and when I got home it’s more questions. ‘Where were you this morning?’ I just went upstairs and locked myself in my room and put ‘Come Dine with Me’ on.
Milly texted me. She’s posted all the photos on Instagram of Jack’s party. The one I couldn’t face.
Look at all their happy, smiling faces. I can’t even imagine being like them any more.
I shout down that I’m not hungry and just lie on my bed. Cried again – I can’t stop it. Mum came in later and tried to hug me. I pulled away and she touched me on the shoulder. It just goes right through me.
I hate it. DON’T TOUCH ME.
Was late for school again today. But who cares? Only went at all as I couldn’t face being at home with mum any more. She always looks like she’s going to start crying. Or telling me it’ll be alright. Yeah, right.
Just want to be on my own all the time at the moment. Feel like everyone in school knows and are laughing behind my back.
I can’t bear to even be in the same room as mum. I know I’m being rude to her and it’s not her fault but I just feel on edge all the time.
It’s even worse when she tries to be nice. LEAVE ME ALONE. I wish I’d never told her what happened. All it’s done is upset them and make them so awkward with me all the time.
Mrs Fletcher chucked my mark from my essay about New Year onto my desk during English. I forgot it was today.I hated that essay. I didn't have any fun at NY. All I have to look forward to is another year feeling like this.
I hated that essay. I didn't have any fun at NY. All I have to look forward to is another year feeling like this.Another year of memories. Wish this would end.
Another year of memories. Wish this would end.I should have just made it up.
I should have just made it up.
I couldn't think.
Everyone was so loud at lunch time. Why is everyone so LOUD? They have no idea.
Wish I could have fun.
I need some time on my own. I kept feeling my heart in my head again.
When I got home Mum asked if I heard back about my essay. I shrugged. I couldn't face telling her.
I just came upstairs and closed my bedroom door. Put my head in my pillow and screamed. Felt like a bit of release.
Mum says she needed me to get out of my room for a bit so she can hoover.
I didn’t move. Said I was watching TV but it’s just on in the background. I don’t even know what’s on. I have nowhere to go.
No one wants to see me. Easier for everyone if I just stay here.
I couldn’t concentrate at all today. Kept thinking about it. Him.
I hate how he’s in my head. I know it’s an important year. But I can’t control what I think about can I?
ARRGGGHHH – it’s so annoying.
I missed which questions we were doing in maths. I couldn’t ask. So I just sat there and looked thick.
Milly let me copy her.
It feels like it’s all building up inside me. I can’t go on like this but I can’t speak to my mum about it. She actually seems terrified that I might truly open up to her. And Dad is too upset to even look at me properly. I should have kept my mouth shut – it would have been better for them.
I only got to answer two of the questions before time was up. I need to concentrate.
No one understands. Everyone just wants me to be normal, for it to go away.
I won’t. It won’t.
Who would understand? I’ve got no-one.
My mind was just loads of noise and things I didn’t want to look at. Everything reminds me of him. I couldn’t focus. I should be able to think about things I want to. Not him.
It was so annoying. My mind was so foggy.
I gripped my pen and felt my heart beat in my head.
Everyone had left and I was just sitting there.
I’ll never be normal.
Milly came over.
Bet her mum asked her to visit.
I was upstairs and told mum to say I was ill.
I heard the door close and Mum came back up the stairs.
She didn't knock. It was the angriest I've seen her. She asked why I won't talk to Milly and why I don't leave my room.
I just mumbled "what's the point". She looked like she was going to cry.
I can't help her. She can't help me.
I like sitting in my room. I feel safe.
Mum tried to call the therapy service again – apparently they still don't have any space.
Good. What help would they be?
Mum just looked at me. She looks tired.
Feel bad but just wish she'd leave me alone.
Like it will help me feel better.
I just want to scream "It won't. Nothing will."
Abi's diary draws on the real experiences of children that have suffered abuse, but does not describe a specific case. Photographs have been posed by models.
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