Thomas's Story

Growing up and feeling isolated

"I was quite a happy child. I grew up in a village in Norfolk with my mum, dad and two older siblings. My parents - who both managed their own businesses - worked hard to give us the best upbringing they possibly could.

Two years into secondary school, we moved to a rural location, about 40 minutes away which meant a long commute to school and no friends in my area. The village was full of older people which was isolating and quite lonely. I didn't have many friends in school and in year nine, someone started a rumour that I was homosexual because I was in a close friendship with another boy, so I felt very isolated again."

Looking for friendship online

"I got my first smart phone in year 8. At that age, I just enjoyed a lot of games but there was pressure for me to join social media as everyone else was on it and I was lonely and wanted to connect.

I first met the male perpetrator when I was 14 on a site called Mylol. It was a friendship meeting site and I thought it was a safe platform because it was designed for and targeted at young people who wanted to make friends and I believed we were the same age.

Our first conversation was quite simple. I was just chatting, and it was an absolute relief to have someone to talk to. The only way I can describe it is like having the most supportive person that you could ever meet. It's like they created the perfect person for you.

Conversation initially started as casual friends, talking about video games or films, and then working up to talking about experiences at school. What I found was that he mirrored everything. If I was having an experience at school, he was also going through the same thing. Looking back, I can see it was very manipulative, but I didn't know about grooming then. He just did and said everything to help me relate to them and create a bond."

Grooming and manipulation

"We were talking every day, morning and evening. For the first few months I felt quite secure and safe but now I know he was grooming me and building the trust and friendship.

Things escalated when he started to move the friendship towards a romantic relationship. A lot of the conversation became about homosexuality and trying to convince me that I liked him in that way. I couldn't separate my feelings of whether it was friendship or something more and it was very confusing.

After about a month, the pressure started to build of him trying to prove that I was gay. That's when he started sending explicit pictures and pressuring me to send images to him. I did send him pictures, but I didn't like it and I didn't want to do it anymore, but he kept making me feel bad about all the time he had spent on me and saying I wasn't doing anything in return. I began to realise he didn't have my best interests at heart.

I started to question who he really was but at the same time, I didn't want him to leave me alone again. So, I continued to send the images he asked for, but I knew I had to tell him I couldn't do it anymore, which is when it turned nasty, and the language was quite abusive."

Feeling trapped

I was scared. He said he had saved the images and would send them to everyone if I stopped sending more pictures. I realised that I simply wasn't the person that I wanted to be at that point. I didn't want all the hard work I had put in at school and all the hard work of my parents to come crashing down because of this. There was a constant fear in the back of my mind.

I made the decision to block him, but he made a new account and asked why I had blocked him. I just wanted to de-escalate it, so I blocked him again. That was a process I had to do four or five times and I thought he was never going to leave me alone. I was trying to come up with some strategy to get away from him so blocked him yet again and changed my Instagram name.

I was trying to hold it all together and go to school and be around my family and it was like living two lives.

Contacting Childline

It got to a point where I couldn't go on any longer without getting some advice, so I called Childline. The first time I was worried they would have to report it, but they were completely confidential.

That conversation with Childline was the turnaround point that allowed me to get a perspective of what had happened. I had no idea what grooming was until I spoke to them. To me, in a weird way it felt normal, like I had met someone and just had a bad experience.

The advice Childline gave me was to see if there was someone that I could trust to talk to. They explained the option of reporting it to the police, but I knew I couldn't do that. I was too scared of it getting back to my parents. I did want to talk to someone and there was a meeting at school when a teacher had noticed how much I had changed, and they asked me what was wrong. I just cried and I really wanted to tell them, but I felt like I couldn't.

I had become really isolated. I stayed by myself and kept away from other people. I didn't come across as particularly happy, even though I kept a strong face. I was worn out. I even fell asleep in a couple of lessons because the perpetrator was messaging me through the night. I tried to put my phone down, but I was too anxious about what he would say or do.

I just kept it all hidden. There was never a moment of calm. Childline were the only people I spoke to and back then, I was calling them a couple of times a week.

Moving forward

Things started to get better when I turned 16 and moved away to college for a fresh start. I made some friends and got independence from my family and more of a social life. It was hard trusting people though – the experience made me suspicious of everything, to be honest. Sometimes even now, I might get a message from someone I don't know, and I find it hard to answer even though it is to do with networking for my career. I find it difficult messaging people in general. Some messages, it takes me forever to get back to because there's a feeling of dread or being overwhelmed.

I still haven't spoken openly about my experience or told my parents. I started to want to be a bit more vocal about it and to feel more comfortable speaking about it so there are a couple of friends who know but not in detail. I'd say I'm over the worst of it, but after college ended, I had to move back to my village which was a very difficult time. Being back in that same isolating environment was hard and I was worried I would fall into a relapse of wanting to talk to the perpetrator again even though I know how much damage they had caused. I was able to channel myself into learning an instrument and keeping my future goals in mind and now life is much better, and I am moving forward.