Why do children and young people get angry?
Everyone gets angry. It’s a build-up of feeling when something’s gone wrong. While it’s a normal emotion to feel it can be unpleasant to be around. As parents our responsibility is to help children understand what they’re feeling when they feel angry. Children should know that although they can’t control their feelings, they can find ways to manage their behaviour, so they don’t cause themselves or others harm. Finding an appropriate way to release anger is a valuable lesson for life.
Five key things to remember:
- For children all behaviour is communication.
- Anger frequently masks other more vulnerable emotions like fear, hurt or frustration.
- You teach children by example. How a child sees anger being dealt with is often what a child will mirror.
- A parent can help their child express anger in a way that won’t cause them or others harm.
- It’s important that a child develops an understanding of what makes them feel angry.
When the initial anger has subsided it’s likely that it’s followed by low feelings of regret and sadness. When it’s possible to talk, it’s worth encouraging children to reflect so they can identify what their emotional triggers are in particular situations. Anger is often caused by miscommunication and unrealistic expectations. If your child’s angry because of a mistake you’ve made, it’s entirely appropriate to apologise, it models accountability. Explain to your child that verbal abuse and violence is not ok and how it can make the person on the receiving end feel, this will teach them empathy.
We have a page on Toddler tantrums to help you if your child’s younger and learning to manage anger.
Tips to help my primary aged child cope with anger issues
How to teach children to express anger?
Be a role model with how you express your anger. This can include modelling how you respond to frustrations. For example, if something has sold out in the supermarket, voice your frustration, talk about how you’re going to manage, show how you problem solve a negative situation. You might also try something like telling a child what you are going to do to feel better after getting stuck in a traffic jam. This is showing children, through observation, that it is okay to feel angry, and to start thinking about how to move through it.
If you do lose control and express anger in a less healthy way in front of your child, you can apologise and reflect on it in an age-appropriate way when you’ve calmed down. You can also point out when characters in books and TV shows handle anger particularly well or badly or use it as a jumping off point for conversations later.
Consider what helps you express your anger. It might be screaming into a pillow or doing deep breathing exercises. Both of these are healthy ways to release anger as they don’t hurt anybody. You can tell you child about how you cope with feelings of anger.
When your child is calm and receptive, drawing an anger firework together can help:
- On a sheet of paper, support your child to draw a firework.
- Include a fuse.
- Describe how anger can build up and burn up the fuse.
- Explain that if the anger is not dealt with it can cause an explosion.
- Encourage them to draw or write down the triggers that light their fuse and frustrate them.
- They can also think about what things calm them down. What’s the water that can cool their lit fuse?
- You could create a time out word and action plan together for when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
- That way, when a child feels like their fuse is being lit, they know there’s something to say and steps they can take.
How to de-escalate an angry child?
It’s important to listen rather than try to fix things. Try not to overstimulate them by asking too many questions. Help them regulate their emotions and thoughts. That might mean giving them space or redirecting them to hit a cushion rather than something that will hurt them or be damaged. De-escalating is about setting up tools to use before a situation arises. That might be:
- agreeing a time out word.
- teaching a breathing technique.
- spotting your child becoming angry and distracting them.
- having a weighted blanket they can lie under to feel relaxed and secure.
Do not threaten your child that you will tell their teacher, Social Worker or anyone else as this can result in not trusting adults when they need help. It’s important children can speak out when they need help.
Dealing with anger in 11–18-year-olds
Is it normal for a teenager to be angry all the time?
No two teenagers are the same. One may appear angrier than others including their siblings so as a parent you’ll need to adapt your approach to individual needs. For all teenagers it’s worth thinking about how they’re sleeping and how much information they’re being expected to process at a given moment.
Sleep
In addition to emotional triggers that affect everyone, teenagers need more sleep than children and adults. It allows their brains to develop. Not getting enough sleep can cause teenagers to become angry.
Information processing
Teenagers cannot store and process information as they could when they were a child. For example, if you’re asking your teenage child to complete several tasks at once (clean their bedroom, do their homework and get a shower) they’re unlikely to complete anything as their brain can’t process the requests. This struggle with processing information can result in arguments and angry outbursts.
How to control adolescent anger?
Your aim is to help a teen control their behaviour when they feel angry. You can encourage positive and proactive self-reflection. When they’re in a calm state of mind you can speak to them about what they think helps when they feel themselves becoming angry. They should know:
- They can learn to control their behaviour.
- Boundaries that are in place.
- What the consequences will be if they go over a boundary.
When your child is behaving angrily, as long as your child is not harming themselves or others, give them space. You can check in with them an hour or so later. If they’re behaving angrily towards a sibling. it’s important to talk to the sibling about their feelings and experience and to make sure they also feel supported.
Finding ways to connect to your child is valuable, that might include gaming with them, eating food they like together or being aware of their friendship circle. Teens are often influenced by their peers so knowing who their friends are, what they do together, the music they like and games they play is a valuable way to stay connected.
If your child behaves violently, when things have calmed down explain that abuse, physical harm or any damage to the property is not acceptable. Do not threaten your teenager with the Police or Children’s Services unless you are willing to contact them for help. Otherwise, they will see this as an empty threat. Try to keep the conversation collaborative as you find healthy strategies to help them cope with expressing feelings of anger. If you need extra support, you can contact the NSPCC helpline nspcc.org.uk/helpline.
How to handle an argument
Try to stay calm even if you feel you are being goaded. If an argument feels like it’s gone too far and you’re both antagonising one another, explain you’re going to walk away so you can take a break. Try speaking again when things feel calmer. Once an argument is over and resolved, do not revisit it at a later date, this is likely to cause further anger and resentment.
The three R’s of anger management:
1. Recognise
Help a child recognise when they’re starting to feel angry. They may experience:
- increased heart rate
- tense muscles
- racing thoughts
- a ‘fuzzy’ brain
- their stomach churning.
By paying attention to these physical and emotional indicators, individuals can identify when anger is arising within them.
When things are calm, work with your child to explore the underlying emotions and thoughts. By delving deeper, individuals can uncover the root emotion which may be fear or confusion. These causes may be related to unmet needs, past experiences, or distorted beliefs.
Help them to understand the behaviour they display, caused by their feelings, is something they can manage by developing techniques that work for them.
By recognising the patterns of their anger, individuals can interrupt and choose more constructive ways of expressing what they’re feeling.
2. Reflect
Take a pause and create space for reflection. The anger is the tip of the iceberg, and it may take time to work out what’s going on beneath the difficult behaviour.
Reflection might involve addressing past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or ongoing stressors. By understanding these triggers, individuals can address the underlying issues that fuel their anger.
Reflecting on anger also means accepting personal responsibility for inappropriate behaviour caused by anger. Personal responsibility will look different depending on your child’s age.
Promoting healthy self-reflection encourages self-awareness and helps young people take ownership of their actions and reactions.
3. Respond
The third step in the three R’s of anger management is to respond to anger healthily and constructively. This involves choosing appropriate ways to express anger, such as assertive communication and conflict resolution techniques.
Young people can develop effective communication skills to express their anger assertively, expressing their needs and concerns while respecting the rights and boundaries of others.
Anger management techniques and strategies might include:
- Deep breathing exercises.
- Mindfulness practices that help ground someone in the present (what can you see, hear and smell).
- Physical activities to release tension and calm the mind.
Responding to anger involves engaging in stress-reduction activities. Help young people learn how to take care of their physical and emotional well-being through exercise, relaxation techniques, hobbies, and adequate rest. All of these tools can help individuals manage their overall stress levels and reduce the likelihood of anger outbursts.
