There are lots of reasons relationships break down, and it's important to be honest with your children where possible. But it's also important to consider the impact total honesty could have on your children and their relationships with both parents.

Depending on the age of your child and the reasons behind your separation, you might decide to leave out some information or explain what's happened in simple, child-friendly terms.

If you have younger children, you might say something like, 'We've been arguing lots and it's been making us both sad'. This gets across the feelings you've been having without sharing details that could make children stressed, confused or upset.

You might be feeling really angry and upset when you tell your children that you're separating. It might even feel hard to be in the same room as your partner.

As difficult as it is, try to share the news in a way that doesn't put blame on either parent. It's important to avoid blame so that your children don't feel like they need to pick a side.

Hearing this news might leave your children feeling shaken or upset. Listening to and responding to them can help a lot. Depending on their age, and what you know about what usually works for them, you could try:

• Listening with focus to what your child is saying – instead of thinking about what you want to say next.
• Thanking them for sharing their thoughts and feelings.
• Repeating back what you think they’ve just said and asking if that’s what they meant.
• Responding to their emotions first by offering something to reassure them (if appropriate to your child). This could be I’m sorry you’re upset, would a hug/shoulder pat/your favourite drink help you to feel better?
• Depending on what they say, suggesting some ideas that you could try together to help. If your child is old enough, you could come up with the solution together.
• Agree what you’ll do next, whether that’s having some quiet time, making a plan, or simply watching some TV together to feel better.
• Let them know they can come to you any time to talk.

Some ideas to help reassure them:

• Let your children know that nothing they have said or done has contributed to your separation.
• Tell them how much you love them, and that this news doesn't change that.

It can be tempting to try and promise your children that nothing will change after the separation. But it's important to be honest with them early on so they can start to adapt.

Acknowledge the things that will change – whether it's their routines or bedrooms – and what will stay the same as before. You can let them know that your feelings for them are the same, that they'll still get to see their friends, that you'll all get together on their birthday – whatever it is that will help them understand what things will look like in future.

Remember to reassure them that you'll be there to support them while things are changing. Let them know they don't need to adapt all at once, and you want to hear how they're feeling to make sure it's working for them as much as possible.

The way you behave during this conversation will have a big impact on how your children react in response. This is a big event in all of your lives – it makes sense to feel sad and upset.

But try to communicate that while this is a big change, it's not the end of the world and you will find a way through it together. By controlling your own emotions where possible, you can show your children that this is a sad event without making them feel panicked or scared about the future.

Make sure your children know that they can talk to you about things at any time, and that you’ll be having more conversations with them.

Your children might react differently, so it could be useful to check in with them separately after the first conversation with the whole family.

Remember that while sharing the news is a big step, it's one step of many. Separation and divorce aren't single events but processes that the whole family experiences.

If there are any other family members your children could talk to, let them know this too -- they might find it easier to share their feelings about the separation with someone else close to them. Older children and teenagers might feel more comfortable talking to another family member about the situation and their feelings rather than talking directly to their parents or carers.

Perhaps you are friends with a family where the parents have separated and things seem to be going OK for the whole family. You could explore the possibility of all spending more time with that family so your children know that others have gone through something similar and are OK.