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Separation and divorce aren’t easy.
There may be bad feelings between the parents and their families. Children can pick up on this, which may confuse or upset them, or even lead to them blaming themselves for a break-up.
Every family is different, but it is possible to find your way through. It’s a time of redefining your family dynamic and establishing a new normal. You can find the balance between sharing so much with your children that they become overwhelmed or so little that they don’t understand what’s going on.
To support children during a separation and help them with their worries, it’s important to:
- remind them that both parents love them
- be honest when talking about it, but keep in mind the child's age and understanding
- be careful how you speak about your ex-partner as any negative comments could make your children feel confused or resentful
- keep up routines, such as going to school and having specific mealtimes and bedtimes
- explain that it's OK to be sad, confused or angry and let them know they can talk about their feelings with you.
There are lots of ways to make it a bit less painful when talking to children about divorce or any other difficult subject. We’ve got more advice for parents in our guide for talking about difficult topics.
Not found what you're looking for? Visit our Advice for families landing page for all our parental advice content.
Planning to tell your children about your divorce or separation
When you've decided you're going to separate and you're ready to talk to your child or children about it, it's important to make a plan for breaking the news. This will be the case whether you have older or younger children. Here are some things to consider.
Choose a good time
Make sure you start the conversation at a time when the children feel secure and comfortable, probably at home. If they're tired, hungry, or have recently had a disagreement with you or a sibling, they might struggle more with the news.
Also think about whether there are any important dates close to the time you're planning to speak to them. You don't want to risk upsetting them on or near their birthday, or them linking a special holiday like Christmas or Eid with their parents splitting up.
It can be hard to hold in such important news, but it might be worth waiting a while to make sure you've chosen the best possible time to talk to your children. Since they will probably remember this conversation for a long time, timing is important.
Break the news together if you can
It's important for children to understand that both parents have agreed to separate and that you've decided together on what will happen next.
Separating will likely mean some big changes happening in your children's life. By sharing the news together, you can reassure your children that you will both still be there for them and that not everything will be changing right away.
Think about what you’re going to say
You won't be able to predict how your children will react, and they will probably have lots of questions for you. But if you can make a rough plan for what you'll say, you're more likely to break the news in a way that feels less upsetting or shocking for your children. The next section will help you with this.
Ways to talk about the separation or divorce
There are lots of reasons relationships break down, and it's important to be honest with your children where possible. But it's also important to consider the impact total honesty could have on your children and their relationships with both parents.
Depending on the age of your child and the reasons behind your separation, you might decide to leave out some information or explain what's happened in simple, child-friendly terms.
If you have younger children, you might say something like, 'We've been arguing lots and it's been making us both sad'. This gets across the feelings you've been having without sharing details that could make children stressed, confused or upset.
You might be feeling really angry and upset when you tell your children that you're separating. It might even feel hard to be in the same room as your partner.
As difficult as it is, try to share the news in a way that doesn't put blame on either parent. It's important to avoid blame so that your children don't feel like they need to pick a side.
Hearing this news might leave your children feeling shaken or upset. Listening to and responding to them can help a lot. Depending on their age, and what you know about what usually works for them, you could try:
- Listening with focus to what your child is saying – instead of thinking about what you want to say next.
- Thanking them for sharing their thoughts and feelings.
- Repeating back what you think they’ve just said and asking if that’s what they meant.
- Responding to their emotions first by offering something to reassure them (if appropriate to your child). This could be I’m sorry you’re upset, would a hug/shoulder pat/your favourite drink help you to feel better?
- Depending on what they say, suggesting some ideas that you could try together to help. If your child is old enough, you could come up with the solution together.
- Agree what you’ll do next, whether that’s having some quiet time, making a plan, or simply watching some TV together to feel better.
- Let them know they can come to you any time to talk.
Some ideas to help reassure them:
- Let your children know that nothing they have said or done has contributed to your separation.
- Tell them how much you love them, and that this news doesn't change that.
It can be tempting to try and promise your children that nothing will change after the separation. But it's important to be honest with them early on so they can start to adapt.
Acknowledge the things that will change – whether it's their routines or bedrooms – and what will stay the same as before. You can let them know that your feelings for them are the same, that they'll still get to see their friends, that you'll all get together on their birthday – whatever it is that will help them understand what things will look like in future.
Remember to reassure them that you'll be there to support them while things are changing. Let them know they don't need to adapt all at once, and you want to hear how they're feeling to make sure it's working for them as much as possible.
The way you behave during this conversation will have a big impact on how your children react in response. This is a big event in all of your lives – it makes sense to feel sad and upset.
But try to communicate that while this is a big change, it's not the end of the world and you will find a way through it together. By controlling your own emotions where possible, you can show your children that this is a sad event without making them feel panicked or scared about the future.
Make sure your children know that they can talk to you about things at any time, and that you’ll be having more conversations with them.
Your children might react differently, so it could be useful to check in with them separately after the first conversation with the whole family.
Remember that while sharing the news is a big step, it's one step of many. Separation and divorce aren't single events but processes that the whole family experiences.
If there are any other family members your children could talk to, let them know this too -- they might find it easier to share their feelings about the separation with someone else close to them. Older children and teenagers might feel more comfortable talking to another family member about the situation and their feelings rather than talking directly to their parents or carers.
Perhaps you are friends with a family where the parents have separated and things seem to be going OK for the whole family. You could explore the possibility of all spending more time with that family so your children know that others have gone through something similar and are OK.
Childline
Sometimes children find it hard to talk to the people around them about their parents separating. Remind them they can always contact Childline by phoning 0800 1111 or having a 1-2-1 chat online.
How children might react and what you can do to help
Children can have a wide range of feelings in response to your news, and their feelings could change over time. Particularly if they're younger, they might struggle to say exactly what it is that they're feeling.
And no matter their age, some of their emotions may come out in their behaviour rather than their words.
Some common responses include:
- Anger – this could be directed at one or both parents or be a general sense of anger that their life is going to change.
- Being upset – children might be upset at the prospect of change, or shocked by the news.
- Grieving – children might grieve their 'old life' once the separation becomes a reality and they are having to get used to changes in the family.
- Withdrawing – it's natural for children to withdraw from family situations if they're feeling hurt or confused. It's important not to force them to do anything while they're adapting to the news.
- Relief – children pick up a lot on their parents' feelings, whether or not you've spoken about them. If it's been a tricky time for your family, a child might be relieved that something will be changing and things could get better in time.
It can be uncomfortable for parents to do or say anything that will upset their children. You might want to try to 'fix' things for them or reassure them that things will be fine. But it's important to let children express their emotions, no matter how difficult they are.
There’s no ‘right’ way for them to feel about divorce. Let them know you understand how hard this is for them. If it's the case that you'll both still be there for them, make this very clear.
How you can help keep things as normal as possible for your children
Maintaining lots of your child's usual life will help them adapt to the separation over time. Some changes will be inevitable, but if you can, try to:
- keep to the normal routine, including mealtimes and bedtimes
- make sure children can go to as many of their normal activities as possible
- have regular conversations with the children about what’s happening and any changes that might be coming up
- talk to the children’s school and any clubs or activities they belong to so that they can help support your child – especially where younger children are involved.
As children grow, it’s common for their interests and routines to change – ideally those changing routines will be consistent across both households. If you and your former partner don’t agree, you could try a compromise that works for the child.
Co-parenting when there has been domestic abuse within the relationship
It may be difficult, or not possible, to co-parent in this situation. Some ideas you could try:
- Let your child know they can tell you if they’re uncomfortable or confused about anything your former partner is doing or saying while they are with your child
- Use a parenting app to ensure that communication between you is focused on the child and kept to a minimum
You could get specialist advice and support from these organisations and charities:
- Citizens Advice (for everyone)
- Refuge (for women)
- Women's Aid (for women)
- Respect - the men's advice line.
Need support?
Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000, or email [email protected].
Looking after yourself during a separation or divorce
While change can be upsetting for children, it's very difficult for parents too. As well as dealing with the end of your relationship, you'll likely be having to think about things like moving house, splitting finances and how to organise contact between parents.
All of this can have a huge impact on you, so we have ideas to help you take care of your mental health.
Helpful advice from other organisations
Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) - Supporting your child through divorce and separation
Gingerbread – Helping children through separation
More advice and support for you
Every pound helps us support children
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This page: Ana Yael
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